Living in a constant state of panic

I’m a very laid back person.  Seriously.  Anybody who knows me now can see that I try to have no worries, because whatever happens happens.  If you were to approach me 5 years ago… heck, even 2 years ago, you would not have thought I was laid back and you would have seen panic clearly written across my face at all times.

Okay, maybe not THAT extreme.  But I often let stress take hold of me and felt it squeeze really hard until I could no longer breathe.

I’m not sure when it happened, but there must have been a moment when things completely changed, and I became a less stress-containing, less high-maintenance person.  Looking back, I cannot pinpoint the exact moment when that all changed.  And I’m wondering if it’s something important to even pay attention to.

And I never realized that when all that DID change that I would be living in a constant state of panic internally.  Okay, now THAT is dramatic.  But sometimes it feels that way.  I like to compartmentalize things.  It’s a simple way of not dealing with stress head on, but rather taking it in small doses that give off the appearance of a laid back person.  And it works.  In theory.

In theory, Communism works, too.  But I don’t think I want to be a communist.  Not yet, anyway.

But right now, I’m maxing out at 100 mph in life.  Things are moving quickly, but at the same time, they are not moving fast enough. 

There are a few things I want to focus on, but at the same time, timing is extremely important in all of those things.  I don’t want to appear to be too anxious about any of them because what if something happens and I can’t move forward with other plans, or life in general.

Right now, at this very moment, there are a few things on my mind.  To start with, the engagement.  And the wedding part of that.  I want to start planning.  I want to set a date.  But I can’t do any of those things because I haven’t told my parents yet.  It’s been over a month, and they still have not met Chriso.

And Chriso and I want to start a family.  This is a huge burden for me.  Mostly because I think I’m broken.  We’ve been trying for 3 months, and I know that short period of time is not enough to make me freak out, but it is.  There are a lot of women out there who have one-night-stands and pregnancy is the result.  And I also know that there are couples that try for years before they have any kind of luck.  Rationally, I know it’s too early to wonder if anything is wrong.  But I can’t help it.

So, to take my mind off that painful and stressful thing, I want to plan a wedding.  Which I can’t do because Chriso and I haven’t really talked about it and I haven’t told my parents yet.

And I want to move to a warmer climate.  Right now, Chriso and I both have obligations that are preventing us from moving yesterday.  So we agreed to wait until July.  And I want to start apartment/house hunting, and scoping things out.  Except, we have no idea where we are going to go.  Sure, there are a few places on the list.  But I want to pick one and plan. 

There are so many things going through my head and so many things I want to be doing but can’t because there are other things that need to come first.  Other plans and issues that need to be ironed out.  I can’t just jump ahead.  I have to follow the steps and have that be that.  

I have to play the game.

And I need to relax.

No. More. Stress.