I’m having a hard time getting through this birthday season. It’s actually harder than I thought it would be this year.
You see, September beings the rush of the holiday season for me. Well, in my family. It starts September 10th with my Dad’s birthday, then comes my older brother which is today (September 15th). October is rounded out with Mom’s on the 10th. And then there’s mine, November 3rd. Of course, following all of that is Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.
Not only has it been difficult shopping so far for my brother and Pops, but I’m generally feeling depressed. We are encroaching on the anniversary of my horrid breakup with the ex. So, naturally, I’m thinking a lot about the good times, and the awful times, flipping back and forth between whether the good times were good enough to have made it a good relationship, or were the bad times just to bad.
Anyway. I got to thinking about my birthday last year, and how it was probably the hardest I’ve ever had. I never realized turning 25 would be so difficult. I literally cried for the entire week leading up to it. And not for any particular reason. Or at least not one that I can remember. And in thinking about the hardest birthday ever, I started thinking about the best birthday I’ve ever had. Which was 22.
A few years ago, a year after getting engaged, and mere months after moving in together, Mike and I were cohabitating, and quite well, if you ask me. Life could not have been better. I was depressed about the birthday, but I was excited that my family would be coming up to see me. I worked at a bank at the time, and had to work that day (I don’t think I’ve ever taken my birthday off from work…). Mike stayed home, took the night off from work, and spent the entire day at home with the cat decorating. He put up a birthday sign, and streamers, and blew up balloons. And it was incredible. He even went out and bought that fun flavored Smirnoff stuff that I love. And it was great.
My family came over, and we got Chinese food. And we laughed and had a good time. And by the end of the night, I was nearly drunk and giggling, and so glad I didn’t have to drive anywhere afterwards. I don’t remember what gifts I got (other than an iPod, which MIke bought me that year… back when he was generous, and we were in love), but the only thing that mattered was that we were together.
It’s hard to think about how good that day was. In retrospect, that was probably one of the hilights of the relationship, when we were actually getting along.
And here I am. Four years later. Living in my parents attic with my cat, until I can save up enough to get my own place. Alone. It’s hard. And sometimes I regret taking the cat with me. I often think that maybe that cat would have been better off staying with Mike. But at the same time, I couldn’t live without my cat. He’s the love of my life. Really. Aside from my family, the cat is the one of the only things that matter to me in life. Once upon a time, it used to be Mike.
Things went badly very quickly, and here I am. I think I’m a stronger person for leaving. I’m a stronger person for surviving. I’m a much different person than I was 4 years ago. I’m a different person than I was a year ago. Things are hard. Life is hard. But I’ll be okay. I AM okay.
But it’s hard.